Tuesday, September 1, 2015

The last straw

I reread my past entries dated back to 2010 and I miss how carefree I was back then. My entries are full of emotion and I wrote as if nobody is reading. Sadly I can no longer do the same now. I don't remember when did I started to link my blog in my Facebook but it was a big mistake. Now that I know almost everyone that I know knew that I have blog, I write a lot less. I have stop documenting my feeling because of the fear of being judge.

I thought once that we grow up, we will no longer care about the judgement pass by others. Wrong, we care even a lot more. I have lost the "I-don't-care" attitude.

This year and last year a lot has happened to me. I fell into darkness for a period last year because I got my heart broken. I made stupid decision and hated myself so being so weak and needy. Now I can finally agree that whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Because that's how I feel right now. Not sure if it is because I'm a lot tougher emotional wise or it is because I no longer care that much.

When it was my fault, I was deeply sorry for anything that I had done and changed for the better. I'm happy for the second chance but to be wronged again and again by the same person, now I feel like a fool. I was so stupid to give the second chance, third chance and even fourth chance. I know I should have walk away long time ago but stupid me thought that people will change.

Truth is, people don't really change. They only show their true color over time.

My relationship with my parents have fallen behind too. This really puzzles me. Again and again I'm trying to figure out what actually going on in their mind but alas it is a waste. Otherwise, we will not fall into where we are right now.

The decision that they forced me to let go of my car is the last straw for me,  Enough is enough. I have never ask for the car in the beginning. But after I was almost done in paying the installment, they wanted me to let go of it just to save their own asses.

I sound like a bitchy teenager but I'm just penning down my emotion. I kept everything inside of me for the longest time ever. I'm tired of acting like everything is okay. Sometimes, I just want someone that I can count on. Someone that really cares for me.

One day if push comes to shove, I will pack my bag and just leave. Anywhere will be fine for me. I will start all over again and live my life for myself. Selfish, yes. But why not? It is my life anyway. I pay my own bills.

Hopefully one day when I read this again from the future, everything has turn out okay.

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