Self-conflict

I have not really put much of my thought here as of late, am I? Well, tonight is one of those rare nights where I feel like pouring my heart content out here. But I'm not sure whether this post will make it to the "publish" button, we'll see about that.

When I was in front of my computer pretending to be busy at work, my mind was wandering somewhere else, taking alone my soul with it. I often wonder, what's the world out there look like, feel like? Must be more comforting than where I was sitting right now. That's my thoughts on a typical working day. The mundane routine of working is leaving my dry. Maybe a little excitement along the way is what I need. 

Sometimes, I wish I could just leave everything behind and explore what's the world has to offer for me out there. I want to be carefree, I want to take risk, I want experience life. I'm at my prime time to do what I've put in my bucket list now. Clock is ticking and time is passing, but I'm nowhere near ticking off anything from my bucket list.

I don't want to waking up in regret one morning for the things that I didn't do. I had a conversation with my bestie about growing up. It was a pretty scary realization. You are becoming an adult, parents are growing old and your kids siblings are no longer kids. What have you done all this time? What have you achieved? Are you where you're imagined yourself to be years ago?

I myself can't seem to find the answer for those questions. Maybe there are no answer at all, after all you decide your own path in life. It is a never ending self conflict, I guess. You want things go your way but you don't want to work for it. You plan your day, things goes wrong and you get upset. Being upset is your choice, more often that not, we overuse the term "look at the bright side" without actually apply it in our daily life.

Maybe, just maybe all we need is someone to tell us it is okay to screw up. A little comfort like this goes a long way.

I'm not making sense, am I? Just like life, it doesn't have to make sense.