Thursday, April 10, 2014

Letting go

I rarely write about personal stuff especially when I'm at the bottom pit of my emotion well. I don't feel like talking to anybody because I don't want them to pity me. Writing is probably the way for me to channel all of this emotion else where because I don't think I can hold everything together anymore.

Right now, I really feel like I'm in a rut. A life rut, more like it. The same old routine everyday really wear me out. I remember I had the busiest week at work last month and so stressed out to make sure I'm on top of my game. I did rant to someone but I guess everyone is busy with life to stop and cheer other people up. I tried to control my tears but still I shed but nobody noticed because I wiped them away as fast as I could and put the brightest smile I could manage to cover it.

I thought I was okay. Up till 2 days ago, all of the emotions inside of me burst hence the mess that I'm facing right now. There's only so much that I could take and now I lost it all. I'm tired, really really tired. Where's the pause button in life when I need it so badly. I'm drained out of energy to hold a strong face anymore. I'm not okay, deep down I'm a mess. Too bad I keep everything to myself till the day I burst.

Maybe I'm selfish but there's a reason behind everything. Something triggers me, I hold it back, it continues and I went all out. I've been told I'm fat, selfish and always want to compare. It could be true, I have no excuse for such behaviors. But would it hurt if people take their time out to be there when I need them. It's the support that I need. I have always been independent but it's nice to have a backbone sometimes, to know that someone have my back when I need them, to not feel totally unwanted.

Lots of time this feel like primary school all over again where I'm a total outsider. It's hard to make a point to someone who is on a different page as you because they don't know anything about why you think a certain way.  In their eyes, I could be wrong, the unreasonable girl throwing fit when things not going her way. Let me tell you, what's matter the most to me might means nothing to you. We value different things. I go for quality, you go for quantity. In the end, we blame each other and nobody want to take a step back. That's when I realized we stand on a different page, going different way. I've been told I'm not grateful, am I really asking too much? Yes, I always push myself far forward because I know I can do better. I'm not a settler, I a reacher. I don't want to settle for less if I know I can better. In their perception, I'm not grateful and that is their reality and in their eyes I would be as wrong as I think they are in my eyes. I know all of my words are jumbled up and make no sense but I'm exhausted.

I need a break. To pick myself up, to let go.

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